...I seriously don't even know what to write, say to You all, my watchers.
You all, who matter to me in certain ways. Some of you just "boost" my motivation and ego to keep doing and artwork and keep the quality of being an artist (so not just drawing, but writing there and there too), some of you leave great comments that make me smile or suprise in a good way, some of you...are my friends. Close or not, but you are true people writing with me here.
That's why I feel a bit guilty I left Deviantart for few days and I don't know how to describe everything that happened before this moment I decided to finally log in and write....while being tipsy.
Yup. Maybe it's because I live in Poland and it's not rare to drink an alcohol.
But know I'm always...fascinated by this state of my mind when I'm not drunk, I am still able to think very well, but I do this all...much, much faster and I'm also more open, more...brave.
But our culture teached us this is WRONG.
....(me: oh come on, it's just complicated and many ppl overuse it, stop telling me I'm wrong, I know when to stop, I do right thing. You shall too and not judge me bad way)
If you don't know or don't remember, I came through many, many sad days and been through mental suffering, at times I suffered some physical pain when had much to do trying to get a new job.
Few days ago, I felt how hard to believe is to experience and amazing change in my life....thanks to one person.
I remember something like this when I got to know
, who's now my best friend, even if we know each other only online and through few Skype calls.
Some people are the greatest fortune that can happen to us, she's one of them. Then is definitely
But I know all of them online only!
...now I've got to meet a person who I also met online, but....we also could meet this weekend for real.
words cannot describe this. But I'll try, so pardon I write a lot in amatheur manner, all right?
If you want to listen, please sit and take your time for reading. I'll try to make it short, but mark some important things.
We all search for the love, especially if we haven't experienced it in the family and we need more strenght than we have got.
I am an intelligent, patient, even wise woman who eagerly takes life every single day with all I've got. Sometimes by choice, sometimes not.
What do I mean by saying that?
What I call an "overthinking". It's something many people are amazed by in me and admire, but many times no one knows it just "backfires" me with obessive negative thoughts
or problems I create just by myself. Sometimes I create OCs, headcanons, reflextions about the life etc....but those thoughts also create thoughts that bring me down,
so for me it's normal I get stressed, nervous, apathic or get an "depression attack" even when nothing tragic happens in my life...I can just stand in the silence while decorating tulips
and then be depressed after I'm back home. Because it all happens in my mind, I cannot win in this fight of my thoughts.
As weird as it sounds, I am eager to say so to let other know how it feels. How it is truly to be depressed or intelligent, because it's a whole process, not just results many admire
and then get suprised I'm modest. I'm not often proud of myself and I know exactly why. Sadly, many people haven't got possibility to have self-reflextion or such deep thoughts
and they sometimes miss or acknowledge a lot.
Being such complicated and unique (I was said so?) person made me wonder in the past "will I ever GET into a happy relationship? Do artists remain single or not in their life being so different?"
Seriously, this thought made me so sad in the past, because many, many men left me once I opened or wanted to share my life once they shared theirs.
Slowly throught the time, I stopped to believe in romantic love and that I'll get helping hand from someone in real life. I made a mindset I'll have to come through few years all alone
and I knew it will be hard- and with my parents who can be really toxic to me, I was ready to take the challenge and make a schelude, a plan- E-Pokedex project, deal with news and messages on many websites including Deviantart daily, draw as muchas I can in my free time. To walk like a dead person, like a machine to max out my productivity to invest in my happiness after some years.
I decided to wound mentally, but keep going till I'll find better environment to let my happiness bloom.
After my last "depression thoughts attack" which I've got on one of my florist lessons, I told myself "NO! I'll TRY and see what will happen, no one knows what's my future, no one, even me. And it's good thing, we will see what the futue holds". It was about someone who could accept me the way I am and love me. So I created an account on certain dating website. I even paid for a memebership for a month.
Then, even without a membership, I kept logging in and checking all those various messages....trust me, some were really weird even to me.
It's all about patience and "keep going" rather than desperation and "race". Among all messages from various men, there was another who wrote much longer message to me, but suprised me with the fact that also likes Pokemon and some other sentences of him that caught my interest. But then....after experiences with other men before- at first, I was sceptical if he wants just to attract me and then not care at all, but I decided to just reply and apologize for no message after days.
Even if it was very nice and pleasant to talk with him, I still got wonders in my head if the "scenario" will be repeat: a guy reads what's my interest, my passion, writes long message how much he loves/likes it, watches my streams, says sweet things how talented I am, how intelligent I am, but then....it slowly fades away, day by day....till I shut up (pardon) about what I love and see what he'll say first.
Many men stopped talking with me totally and....yeah, just this.
But not him, the one who's now my boyfriend and I'm happy, proud to say so.
We kept taking coversations more and more- more topics, more time, more honesty, more thoughts, links and more of "heavy talks".
I was so amazed by his personality and the way he still keeps talking with me, that I simply couldn't believe we are going to meet irl. I even told him that.
But we did. We DID met this weekend (from 3rd March till 6th, but full days of our long meetings were Saturday and Sunday) and it was....all like a dream.
I feel comfortable around him all the time, we can talk from silly things to very deep topics for most of people.
Even physical contact with him makes me comfortable and relaxes me, which wasn't fully possible with previous men I tried to create a relationship.
My boyfriend even amazes me with his attitude that shows he considers living together and having plans. Plans that....are my old dreams I gave up at years ago
and I simply tear up while just thinking about this.
Some people make me a little uncomfortable when I open up and start to be a talkative person, but not my boyfriend. He even told me he's proud of me when I start to talk my way.
You have no idea how amazing it is to me. I never happened to me irl....with a man....that many times. Just, everytime!
The first day, we went to a natural history museum. As my B-day present from him! WOOW....just this was amazing for me.
There was a period exhibition with real arachnids(spiders, scorpions and one relative called whip scorpion)- not my thing, but...okay, I know something about them,
I like those animals and I know this museum got some more great things present all the time I wanna see again.
We spend 2 h, my boyfriend kept listening and talking with me and he haven't felt bored.
Then we went through the city to watch the movie he saw earlier alone, "A Cure for Wellness".
I even cried at this film and then we went eat a pizza and talk about the movie about it.
Ladies and gentlemen, I never been so happy to just talk freely about a movie with someone. He might think and talk same way as me, but of course, being a different person,
it's not exactly the same as me.
He....he's just perfect to me. I also like his voice, he's pretty handsome to me....so you can guess: it's true love.
Love that is a complicated thing. Kind of lust, kind of mutual attraction on physical and mental level, kind of feeling "used to" someone.
Kind of wonder....what's in the head of the opposite side...what makes him happy?
As you can guess, we're both mature and aware of our lust, too.
HEYEEYEY, EASY, MY READER. Even if you're not 18+ or you don't like this topic...please take it easy and keep reading.
We live in times when talking about sex is much easier than about politics or problems in the family, even mental illness, so...I'll just write what I think
It's because some people never hear about it untill something bad happens. Social media wants us to focus on what's bad about, learn us it's shameful or wrong, while it shows
the dark side of the moon, the shadow, THE PART of the whole topic.
Akhem, coming back to my main topic, so my most wonderful days in my life so far....with my boyfriend....
We planned to watch 2-3 movies on his laptop in the hotel. Yeah, we really wanted to do it.
...then we laughed both we only watched "Iron Man" and most of the time we spend on hugging, kissing, getting naked...and talking.
It really felt unreal, to me simply "too beautiful to be real".
I even cried from happiness, then from sadness. There was so many topics we went through and he's an amazing listener till this day. Unlike all of the men I've met/talked with before.
What is love?
A mystery. But you need to be kind of picky, very patient, be yourself no matter what and see who's the right person to you.
For me he's the one and that's why I'll slow down as an artist, because I started a new life. I was burning ashes, he made me reborn into a phoenix who's soaring in the sky.
Don't worry, I came back from the flight and landed to sing, I'll fly again and come back to show you many wonderful things.
This thought describes that I feel anew, reborn, yet I'm still the same live being.
My boyfriend inspires me to think over topics that are a little too much for me, young woman, but I hope together with him I'll be able to "nail the thought" and I'll be able to post them here.
Or drawings. Or new OCs, because being focused on him and real life matters lately I just stopped thinking about my fictional escape, my Pokemon World for a long while.
Maybe it's just a break I'm not used to
You should know I also had some tough days in the flower shop lately, because of the Woman's Day....don't tell me about Woman's Day again. Till the next year. It's kind of a nightmare,
I even had my right shoulder sore because of the work and my head heavy of thoughts because of much work and worries what to do next to help really kind and generous woman I work with.
Anyway, please smile- it all went good today, preparation was the worst thing to handle.
Tomorrow I have my B-day, but I already got my presents and they're the best presents in my life.
The best of the best among them is....my boyfriend.
He's my superhero and I'm waiting for the day when Nick Fury will come to him. He's incredible on all levels, if he could steal my mind and heart, but return them full of happiness, hope
and strenght to turn my all dreams into reality sooner or later.cdn.quotesgram.com/img/75/16/2…
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PS: OOOHHH MYYY GOOOSH I FINALLY GOT MY THE MOST DESIRED COLLECTA FIGURINE TODAY, DAXATITAN AAAAA dinotoyblog.com/2015/04/27/dax…
PS 2: imagine I'm even now focused on trying(very slowly) to get a job at the museum or any similar place where I can make use of being a talkative introvert (erm, maybe I'm ambivert and doesn;t know it yet?) with much passion and knowledge about science, especially zoology, paleontology and take school trips, tourists around like my boyfriend. I was amazed to hear so from one woman at the flower shop and then from my boyfriend that they see me at such job.
I'm....all of my yes! I want to do that, I just need to know what are requirements to achieve such dream!