I almost wrote something yesterday which today makes more sense to be written anew;
Even if I say myself I've cured myself from depression, that's not all true- you can even look into the science
that human's brain works differently when in depressed state. Something I agree with without any doubt.
A week ago I've got again into the state where my smile was just a mask to not worry others, while my mind kept burdened
by worries and doubts, I felt opressed by the thought I won't make it all and then it all will doom me, soon.
This resulted in two days where I came back home and had to just cry, because obsessive thoughts kept kicking me in the stomach,
I lost my appetite again.
I needed to make vent art to restore my faith my life has purpose the way I am- an idealist and an artist, a combo that isn't practical
in my environment and family.
I felt dissapointed seeing how small attention and excitement got my vent art COMPARED TO MY AVERAGE OF MY SUBMISSIONS.
I know for many of you the numbers I've gotten is a lot, but it's like looking at someone who's running towards the finish line and telling him
"yo! why you keep running if you got further than me? why do you keep going so fast?"
the answer: because I want to keep going, I don't wanna stop or even go backwards. It's my life, I will give my hand to others,
but don't push me towards your place, it's just rude to me and inappropriate. I judge people from their point of their journey, not from mine.
I realized after a while I'm expecting too much to happen too fast; that's the main con of young people I think:
we all lived in environment, where every results are fast, we don't enter yet the moment of life where things take time
to give results. We know that in the next year we will go to certain school or move to a new place and we expect what
somewhat will happen and it happens.
This makes us impatient and live by sticking to certain view of our future.
I started practice hours in a flower shop where I have an occassion to talk with a woman around 40's
who is doing a job she loves and raised kids; one of the two is truly succesfull on sport field, even if got discouraged
at first misfortune that happened because of our morbid minds of people working at certain places who got the power
to change people lives....or at least they think so. Her son might stopped soccer, but moved towards athletics
and he's jolly good at it now. 6th place in the Poland at certain field? That's not a joke I think.
I listened to her life path before she got there, to the point I can watch her and experience her great attitude.
If I could stick to her wonders from the past, I think I could be hitting my head in her place today that I was so stupid
and knew the future, if I truly haven't.
Listen, we are not fortunetellers, reality often the other way we want, we stupidly look toward that wrong different
direction, while we got thousand of others, but like drawing with a pencil on a black board- untill you will
looks from certain view to see the pencil shine, you will keep seeing the black future.
Everytime I look at how much messages with great ideas or heartwarming words and how many great people I've met on DA,
how many works I've drawn on the spur of inspiration moment, how many cool ideas I've got DONE before they got forgotten in my head...
I feel deeply happy that I realized part of my hidden, deep dream and how far I came, even if through different way and there are still many
dreams PLANNED (!)- and they're something I could just daydream in the past!
Coming back to what started this journal: my last vent art
I've got an idea which I worry to make work the way I want. I have the same expectation feeling which I had
while creating Marshall the Swampert and Shindou the Odachi sword OCs. Seeing they became what I wanted,
I was dissapointed that vent art with Aiden OC description behind haven't got to same point.
Then I just realized, I'm looking from the wrong point of view, being super impatient. *cough* and super dumb haha *cough*
Mentioned OCs Marshall and Shindou needed time and even extra sketched comics to catch the audience's curiocity
of the mystery behind these two, which I still keep in secret (expect towards my best friend, but she's an expection :3 )
and I want the same with a single art of one of two OCs where's nothing more about them?
Where I haven't yet got how to draw Gumshoos the way I want them to look to others?
an art that is specific, because "dark and edgy", something not everyone likes?!
And same as with Barbaracle, commonly hated/disliked?
oh right, I also made lots of barbaracle fanart to even get what I wanted- share my love and view on this quirky
Pokemon creators idea.
I have forgotten that Frank the Barbaracle, Marshall and Shindou also started somewhere, in the imagination
parts full of doubt and wonder, they got developed over the time as I kept understanding them.
They even got much more than I expected from them at the first days of their creation.
It just feels dumb to me to realize I expected the same from Aiden and Grant, especially if I got people who can help me
develop their story and personality. I've got so far, I can get so much inspiration and ideas from the places and people
I could at most dream about years ago.
"The flower doesn't dream of the bee. It blossoms and the bee comes.
If you're alone today, don't focus on one way of the love- focus and celebrate on other ways of the love,
which will lead you towards new ways.
What you love, what makes you alive and motivated, take the power from it with every deeper breath,
appreciate and love what you got today. Love the different life from what you expected years ago.
Love these people you're in relationship with, because you haven't planned them out, right?
Love doesn't owe
Hope you have happy Valentine's day,
if you have read it all, you've got a hug from me to help you keep going if you're down.
You stand up to walk, not to wait when you'll fall down.