I'll end these awkward journal entries by saying: today I gave up on the job
after two hours when my headache peaked and I felt dizzy and no one cared, I wasn't even allowed to take the break (.....WTF?!! D: < )
Even if one kind person is eager to help me get a better position in this place(long lost aunt), my decision is, I'm not going back there,
only to take the documents this weekend.
I feel sorry my mom has to experience my extremely moody nature today, but I lacked sleep for a over a week and I came overbroad my limits,
so...once a year, I feel I am allowed to be pissed off the whole day. Especially that my mind cannot focus on any daydreaming, so my brain is full of anger and "nope. f*** off,
I don't wanna be real, I don't wanna exist in this World" >:Y
I MIGHT reply to your comments under this journal, but like with most of them....and like with my plans....I cannot promiss you,
I'm not a superwoman who can manage everything fine if I wan't to be caring and thoughtful to every one of you.
As a perfectionist I rather do nothing...but I hope I'll get started with many personal things after I'll recover,
both physically and mentally.
PS: I am aware it's not perfectly right to show you my worst and unkind side, but if you know me for a while,
you might see even kind and calm in most situations person can get mad. Everyone is multidimensional being with its limits that can be broken at some point.
- - -
I wish to reply to your supporting and kind comments, but you see....I sadly consider myself to be super awkward (and kind of a failure) right now...
My last three days at the job went horrible and I had to relieve the stress and feel of lost by crying in the bathroom and crying at home.
My mom keeps repeating me to give up the job immediately at certain occasion, since my health is much more important and I don't deserve being treaten like this
by peope who "know better". Also, I was suppossed to start tomorrow at new place, my destination job from the first talk with employeer.
What I will get? The same position I was in, because they still lack people and I will be again doing jerka** amount of job and stay more than I'm suppossed to
(of course not paid as it's my fault I don't get job done in time).
seriously....I'm about to give up because again I'm thinking about just going under the car to end my life and regret I was even born.
laugh at me or say I'm crazy, but when such mood hits and I'm having mixture of sadness and anger at the same time,
it's really bad state of mind I cannot control.
My mom had to ask for an emergency free day at the job because there are some renovation stuff going in the flat and someone has to be present
-I thought I will be, but then that >swearing under the nose< job changed the plans in blink of an eye.
not to mention, I wanted to be happy to get some sleep btw as I'm tired of the highpitch noise in my ears from lack of sleep.
Yes, I DO go to the bed much earier, but if you ain't an owl person, you don't know how the body can be stubborn about waking up
later than before 6 a.m.
I am sorry to vent, but I really cannot reply to your comments....sometimes I wish to not give a sign I'm alive.
Because I feel ashamed of being again a failure when trying my best or trying to be a little better than I am.
Thank you all wonderful people who keep in touch with me since a while and even longer,
- - -The good
After 3 years of trying and being kicked out shortly after being happy from having a job...I've got a job that I'm gonna (rather) stay in for a longer time!
and it's not an underpaid job!
It's FRIGGIN' HARD. Physical work. And stressful.
And me at such job? Feel free to laugh loud at me "what the f*** are you doing there? I thought you were/are an artist?"
Officially I'm helping in the kitchen nearby the hospital, close to where I moved (an half of an hour walking on my feet)
What do I do: full hands of work preparing vegtables in the morning by putting in the cutting machine and then washing, washing and washing those all dishes,
mostly biga** ones that make my back hurt and feet sore so much I wanna act like a werewolf at the fullmoon whenever I get back home (on my feet right?)
I miss some other places where I worked and got some break to recharge bateries and think of my personal plans and ideas, but then....this job ain't underpaid
and I have to help my mom with financial situation and to upgrade my computer. Patreon and comic will have to wait....even if I got sketches ;^;
This means, sadly, a HUGE SLOWDOWN in my personal work, Ladies and Gentlemen;
soon after I'll get used to this harsh work Ill come back working on few comissions that are delayed horribly.
The progress will be seen on my Patreon, while finished works wll be submitted here, but no idea when, I'm sorry...
Seriously, when I come back home, I hit the bed and lay for almost two hours to just relieve the pain, but I'm not fully rested
My brain got lost somewhere, cannot find it, so..........lacking sleep, stress and no time
such a happy life I have right now!The ugly
They broke a lot, look bad and I already forgotten how it's like to paint them, have them pretty for some time...and have them strong enough
to perfomr some tasks easier.
- - -
Regards my watchers,
PS: I'm sorry for less graceful writing, I AM feeling like this, no lie.